Holding On And Letting Go
What to do when someone you love is dying
I know from personal experience how difficult and traumatizing it is to witness somebody's final moments, but I also know how profound and meaningful it can be. I wanted to share some tips and information that I've drawn from my experience with my dad’s death, as well as my training to become a certified grief educator.
#1. Don’t treat your loved one like they are already gone
Our minds have the tendency to skip to the future as a means of protection, but it is so important to be present with your loved one. Not only are you going through grief, but so is the dying person. They are saying goodbye to everything and everyone they’ve ever known and loved.
I know that is a really hard thing to hear, but it is the truth. The support, the presence, the love, they need that just as much as you do.
However, to be in a supportive place for them, you have to care and support yourself, which brings me to the next tip.
#2 Educate yourself
Learn about the dying process. The real dying process. Not what we've seen on TV. We all know that death happens in nature, but it looks and feels a lot different when it's you experiencing it. For a lot of us, we've never been exposed to death that closely before.
Our experiences come from movies and TV. What happens in them isn't a real depiction. It's not even close.
Society has sanitized and made death a taboo topic. It makes people very uncomfortable.
But death is natural.
Our bodies know what to do. However, if you aren't aware of what's happening, it can come as a shock. That alone can be the difference between a peaceful and meaningful experience or a traumatizing one.
I didn't know a single thing about what death really looked like, so it was a traumatizing experience for me. It's something that I'm still trying to work through.
So get educated as much as you can so you can learn what's “normal.” It's not necessarily a pretty picture, but being educated is extremely valuable and will help you understand what’s happening with your loved one.
#3 Allow yourself to feel
The other thing that you can do for yourself is to accept the process. People don't want to feel pain, and when we are, we just want it to go away as quickly as possible.
But that's just not realistic with grief. There is no cure for grief. The only thing that would get rid of grief is if we weren’t put in these situations to begin with. It’s not fixable.
When you really understand that, it takes the pressure off to feel good. You don't need to feel good right now. Why would you?
That's not me saying you'll never feel happy or joy again, but right now, you do not need to. The emotions that come along with grief are also natural to our human experience.
No, we don't want to feel the pain, but it is a perfectly normal response to losing somebody you love.
So I encourage you to let yourself feel. Let yourself feel your way through what's happening and honor those feelings for what they represent.
I'll share some resources* below to help with what I just went over, but remember, your presence is most important. Don’t let it take over your time. Don’t pressure yourself to learn and be an expert. Give yourself grace. Do what you can. And know that I’m sending you so so so much love.
All my love,
Resources*
David Kessler's website
@Hospice Nurse Julie's TikTok and books.
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